The past has my attention at this moment. Gently looking at what life has vibrantly offered to me, what life continues to offer. Gently remembering those frequent infusions of wonder that always guided me forward even when I was deeply suffering. Now, I am seeing more clearly how all of this suffering was created by my mind. And how those infusions of wonder were/are actually waves that lift and CARRY me forward. I have to laugh at how the poor little unappreciated ego mind was only willing to be GUIDED by the wonder. No wonder there was so much suffering going on. (heh-heh)
Looking a little deeper, I see how I shared my suffering with those with whom I loved. This is the arena that has my unwavering attention right now. The sense of that very strong desire to impose my mind’s idea of what was happening over what was effortlessly unfolding before my very eyes, emanating from my very heart and from the hearts of those with whom I have had the privilege to share deep love. And here is what I see: I am comfortably indifferent to gifts of great love. And I am passionately attentive when I feel great love is denied. This is the seesaw of suffering I rode most of my adolescence and into adulthood. And while it felt more like a rollercoaster, I know now that it was a seesaw.
What was the story that my suffering mind told my loving heart? You know how sometimes you meet someone and there comes a moment in your budding acquaintance when you suddenly feel your entire being reach for that person. Oh my, such a rush of joy, gratitude, recognition, expansion. I do believe my heart opens and releases every time I feel this yearning. At its best, this feeling is a yearning to know God in another human being, and to share the God within yourself as well. At its worst, it manifests as a neediness that cannot be satisfied, a wound that will not heal, a sense of being incomplete that can ONLY be satisfied by merging with the beloved. This is the place of that exquisite, sacred suffering that my mind loved to fixate on.
So I am giving attention to how my need to ride the seesaw really got in the way of my life’s purpose of learning to love unconditionally. Or maybe it was part of learning to love unconditionally. Either way, my actions were too often less than loving. I withheld attention and love from those who loved me best. And I can still hop on that seesaw with the right people in the right circumstances, this gives me continuing opportunity to practice waking up to myself and my number 1 pattern of engagement.
I have never been very good at maintaining loving connections with people who are not with me right here, right now. I am grateful for Facebook because I can be connected with many people with whom I have had the life experiences that enriched me. I would not be able to share and witness the beautiful wild ride that is this thing called life, with all of these people who are so very important to me, without technology. While I wish I could come over to your house and sit and talk over a nice cup of tea, I will settle for the softly lit window into your life that technology allows as I lovingly read through your posts and sharings. With each reading, I say to you:
I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you